I love being home. If I'm being honest, I dread going back to work (and I LOVE my work). But at the moment, I love not rushing us all out the door at 6:45, letting my kids sleep when they need it, walking C to school, being at home during the day, taking care of my baby all day, having relaxing evenings that don't involve recovering from the day and preparing for the next, having real weekends where I'm not playing catch-up at school and at home, occasionally baking, and not being dog tired (and cranky) all of the time. I love that when A had a fever in the middle of the night last week one of my first thoughts was not, "I have to put together sub plans". I love that I didn't have to move mountains to be here for a plumber to (sort of) fix our leaky washing machine hose this morning. With this gloat said, there are some things I did not expect about being home:
Caring for children is a full-time job. There is a reason people get paid to do this. It is actual work that requires time, effort, and attention. It's not a side gig.
My house does not stay clean. If I wanted to make maintaining a spotless house my goal, I could probably dedicate myself to that (there would always be something to do!). It would entail ignoring my kids and having no fun, though. We are home more. We make messes. One of us is a young boy who is perfecting his "aim" (I'll leave it at that.) Home is presentable maybe some of the time.
Dinner is still a hot mess. Or something reheated. Or a lame salad. I am not a domestic goddess, I would be kicked off of Mad Men.
There is not a daytime party that I was missing before. I thought I would connect with other moms who send their kids to part-time preschool. Know what? Most people are dropping off their kids and working, even if they aren't getting paid for it. I have been on exactly two daytime dates, and they were both with a friend from work who is on maternity leave.
I still wake up in the middle of the night and worry.
Even though I could make the time, I still don't want to clean the upstairs closet. I'm delinquent on sending birthday cards (for September birthdays, people! the shame!) And I don't want to play ninjas all afternoon.
I still have mommy guilt. (See the above bits about dinner and playing ninjas.)
People who blog about being at home and seem all nonchalant about it are really talented fiction writers who are disciplined. Anything you want to accomplish takes discipline. I was really looking forward to a year of doing things without really trying. That was a fantasy.
I'm sure there are more. I love this year for the experiences as well as the perspective. I want to tell moms who do this every year that this is hard work (as if they didn't already know that) and to give yourself a break. I want to tell moms that aren't with their kids all day (which will be me next year) that the struggles are the same, time together is time together (be it walking, driving in the car, going to the grocery store), and to give yourself a break. Okay, let's all give ourselves a break. :)
